Loneliness. Even the word is incredibly lonely. We ALL get lonely at times in our lives. We will ALL feel alone in the world at some point. I think it is one of the darkest places we can go in our mind and body is the darkness that loneliness can bring. It often feels like it has to do with our outer world, but in fact it is about our inner world, what is happening in our mind and body.
I know for me, when I fall into the experience of feeling lonely, I get lonelier. Meaning: within the loneliness there is more loneliness. It creates more suffering and pain. For so many of us, being alone and quiet and with our thoughts is like a war zone. It’s so terrifying, we will do anything to avoid the neighbourhood of our mind because it seems like a dangerous, destructive place.
Loneliness can come from not creating time in your life to choose to be quiet and alone. It can come from a devastating loss, or from not having endless texts or messages come in from your phone.
We have skillfully learned to numb our feelings by choosing behavior that distracts from our most intimate places within. Netflix, fidgeting around the house, distracting yourself with your kids, family and friends, constantly moving, always planning, to-do lists and so forth. We loose touch with ourselves, which is an experience that feels off balance. But we know that being still with ourselves feels more scary then the tools we use to distract ourselves, so we often chose what is easier but not better for ourselves.
What happens within our inner frame work is that our mind and body start to get agitated. We feel more and more uncomfortable, and we need to fill our lives with more and more distracting behavior so we don’t have to deal with the pain that loneliness can bring. At some point, inevitably, something happens that stops us abruptly from being able to choose those behaviors. Maybe it’s an injury, illness, job loss, death of someone close to us, or a desperate need that comes from within to slow down. Perhaps it is the time you met someone who lived a life that seemed to bring them peace. You could feel their calmness and you desperately wanted for that same experience. Whatever it is, it always comes. We have our moments of awakening, and in those moments, it can also feel profoundly lonely. Because we don’t know who we are anymore, and if we don’t know who we are, then where do we go from there?
Feeling lonely is about the fear we have. The fear not to be liked, the fear of not being loved, the fear of failing, fear of things not going the way we want. The only way to combat loneliness and the inner writhing that comes from it is to show up for ourselves. Teach ourselves that we are here, that we can trust ourselves to show up and be present so that we can move through the pain. We get pushed to do our work.
It is work, life is work. I don’t mean that you have to suffer in the work, I mean you have to SHOW UP in the work. If we can focus on “making our hearts a zone of peace,” as Jack Kornfield says, we can step out of our own judgment, and find a place of peace within. It changes you. Physiologically changes you. We are unable to hold peace in our hearts and also hold the loneliness with the same intensity.
Find ways to show up for yourself by:
1) Not believing everything you think
2) Surrounding yourself with kind people, or start with 1 kind person
3) Make slowing down and being with yourself a practice
4) Get quiet for at least 5 minutes everyday
5) Watch all the ways you judge yourself and within that watching DON’T JUDGE yourself. Once you do this, direct yourself to finding ways to speak kindly and lovingly to yourself.
Most importantly, when you feel really, really lonely, the kind of loneliness that is dark and scary, reach out. Ask for support from your friends/family, tell them you are struggling and you need company. You need them to show up and help you regain some light. This, my friend, is the most important practice.
Let us remember when we are feeling the most alone that there are so many other people in that exact moment who are feeling alone. They may need you to reach out to them.
with love
Noelle